Today was our last day of the Head to Heart Journey, because tomorrow we’re off to Tennessee. We were given even more amazing practical tools to use. Once you’ve gone through the process of a “trip in and out”, how do you bring up the matter with someone else (if it needs to be brought up, that is. Perhaps it’s a recurring problem, or you’d like to hear their opinion about it or whatever)? God has made us into a “new self” (Colossians 3:9-10), and we have a “new voice”. There are some things about this new self that needs to be communicated to others - we have taught people how to treat us all our lives, as dictated by our arrows and wounds. So as God heals us, it’s almost like we need to re-teach people how to respond to us. As our old selves, we’d probably handles conflict in one of the following ways:
· I’ll get you (I’m right, you’re wrong, I’ll make you sorry)
· I’ll give in (doormat, I can’t say no because I need your approval)
· I’ll get out (avoiding conflict – through joking, running away, getting busy etc)
· I’ll meet you half way (sounds good, but really just “I’ll give in” + little more talking)
So we have to find a new way to properly communicate. We have a new voice – the very breath of God coming out of me, wired to God’s truths, not to a stronghold.
In communicating, you want to avoid using word bombs like “Why cant you...”, “You always/never...”, “Ok, FINE”, “You made me” etc etc (there are so many of these!). we also need to avoid emotionally charged words (e.g. violated, hurt). You have to keep a close eye on your own body language, and make sure that there is none of the “Blame Game” in your words. So, how DO you communicate then?
1. State the situation as simply as possible: “Can we talk about that car ride we had the other day? I would appreciate that, if you have some time at the moment?”
2. State the issue, and how it has affected you (avoid blaming the person – try avoid “you” altogether: I found that car trip really difficult. I was looking forward to the party, and when we got lost, I felt very frustrated. I also felt nervous because I didn’t know how we’d get there; and I was disappointed by the fact that we’d miss it. I felt like my suggestions for directions weren’t valued. I’m sorry for my poor behaviour as a result of all these emotions...
3. Reflective listening: ask them if they’d like to repeat back to you what you’ve said, or if you can clarify any of the above.
4. Now state what would help, and how that would help: I would feel more secure if we took the street map with us next time. Also if my suggestions could be considered. This would help because I would feel like my opinion is being valued...
5. Reflective listening: ask them “How does that sound” – what are they hearing you say? Does it make sense? What is their response?
What a great outline! I’m definitely going to be implementing that in the future! Imagine how much pain and silliness can be avoided by something so simple as more effective communication! We got to practice some scenarios in our small group, and then we had a free afternoon. A few of us dashed to Walmart to get supplies for our roadtrip. Seriously, that place is RIDICULOUS! I’ve never seen so much stuff in one store. And so many random bulk items too. Bizarre. Anyhoo, home for some packing and supper (and supper clean-up). Very excited about tomorrow and the weekend!
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