This is going to be loooong. It has been quite the day! After breakfast today we met to begin reading Brennan Manning’s “The Furious Longing of God” together. The first chapter speaks about song of Solomon 7:10 – “I am my Beloved’s, and His desire is for me.” He says when we fully understand that, and take those words personally:
· The drumbeats of doom in your head will be replaces by a song in your heart, which could lead to a twinkle in your eye.
· You will not be dependent on the company of others to ease your loneliness, for He is Emmanuel, God with us.
· The praise of others will not send your spirits soaring, nor will their criticism plunge you into the pit. Their rejection may make you sick, but it will not be sickness unto death.
· In a significant interior development, you will move from I should pray to I must pray.
· You will live with an awareness that the Father not only loves you, but likes you.
· You will stop comparing yourself with others. In the same way, you will not trumpet your own importance, boast about your victories in the vineyard, or feel superior to anyone.
· You will read Zephaniah 3:17-18 and see God dancing for joy because of you.
· Off and on throughout the day, you will just know that you are being seen by Jesus with a gaze of infinite tenderness.
Can I just say: WHOA.
We were sent off to journal for an hour, answering 2 questions (no right or wrong answers, just writing down whatever came):
1. When you read that phrase – the furious longing of God – what emotions or images does it evoke?
2. “...I should pray to I must pray.” How would you describe the difference between the two?
After that we headed up to Jonathan and Melissa’s house (up the hill in the woods); where Melissa made herself vulnerable and told us her story. It’s just so overwhelming and humbling to be invited into somebody’s house, and have them tell you their honest stories of difficulties, darkness and victories... just the REALNESS of it. It would be so easy for these guys to teach us some easy lessons, and then go off home, and not really let us see all of them. But here they are, opening their lives to us. It makes it so clear that the worship that pours out of these guys is real. It has been contended for every step of the way. They have lived these songs. They are able to sing “You’re never giving up on me” because they’ve lived through times when it looked like God HAD given up on them; and they were honest enough to admit that, but still believe that He hadn’t given up. It’s all about taking God at His word, even though the circumstances seem to say otherwise. But it’s also about being honest about what you’re really feeling in those times; not just painting a pretty picture all over it.
“God, this really sucks. It’s a crappy season. I feel like you’ve left me. I know all the scriptures that say that You haven’t, but it doesn’t really change the way I feel. BUT You ARE faithful, and You ARE true. And You ARE here, and You WILL rescue me.” This is what I wrote (kind of in response to what Melissa was saying)in my journal this evening:
It’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to not make immediate sense of the season you’re in. It’s ok to not have all the answers. It’s ok to not automatically search for the redemptive side of some of the RUBBISH you’ve gone through. It’s ok to be sore and confused and questioning. God values my heart. He values what I have to say and what I feel. He can cope with all of it. I am not letting Him down by feeling sore/confused/angry/disappointed etc. He can deal with my questions. He WANTS to hear my questions. He wants to show me His love. His desire is for me. He wants me to LIVE – to be real; to be myself. Even if that means being a wreck right now. I don’t have to edit myself to please Him. He already loves me; He already approves of me. Nothing can change that.
Another thing that really stood out from what Melissa said is that we REALLY have to learn to love the Jesus that is inside of us. Inside of me. For now, this is the closest to heaven I’m going to get. Right here inside of me. And if I love people as I love myself, how am I doing at loving myself? If I never ever lead worship again, how do I feel about myself? When I’m going to sleep at night, and no one else is around, how do I feel about myself? She got us to speak out stuff we love about ourselves to God. Go on, try it, I dare you! It’s tough, but sooooo good. “God, I love the way that I love people. I love that I enjoy cooking for people, and washing up after them. I love that I enjoy crazy types of music, and that I can make music myself...” etc. Double dare you! Try it NOW :o)
After lunch we met with our collectives (music/photography/book-making/creative writing). I’m in the music collective, YAY! Molly Skaggs and Joel Case are our fearless leaders (although it was just Molly today – Joel and a few of the guys have been away leading worship at a conference). Molly spoke a bit about what we’re going to be doing in the weeks to come, and then asked us why we chose the music collective. It’s going to be a really interesting time, cause we’re an amazing mix. Some of us have been doing music stuff for a while, and are feeling a bit jaded/tired. I said I feel like I’ve hit a bit of a wall. I feel like there’s more inside myself I could tap into, but I’m not sure how. I don’t know where to from here. Others have only just begun their music journey, and are excited about learning lots of new stuff. So it’s going to be AMAZING seeing how it all works out! Molly then played the opening them from the movie “To Kill a Mockingbird”, and we all wrote responses to the music. Most of us saw pictures in response, and it was crazy how they had similar themes even though they were different! The power of music :o) Looking forward to seeing what happens next in this collective!
After supper we broke up into our small groups (which were based on the tables we sat at on our first night welcoming dinner). Our group’s leaders are JD and the lovely MK and David Burbach. Our group went out to MK and David’s house (about 10 mins away), and we spent the evening telling each other the story of our lives. It’s such a privilege having people you’ve only just begun to build with opening up, telling their stories, sharing their hearts, letting them see yours. I’ve never felt such fierce love from people too1 I can honestly say that I know that these people are fighting with me for my heart, for what God wants to do in me here. How EXCITING!
It just keeps getting better and better :o)
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