13 June - a day like no other

Today was a ridiculously great day! This may end up being looooong, but perhaps you should stick it out, it’ll be worth it... :o) After breakfast we had ‘God time’, and for it we had to read the 3^rd chapter of “The Furious Longing of God” and answer the questions. The chapter is called ‘Our Father’, and it’s about the revolutionary idea of God being our FATHER, not just a distant deity. “Pagan philosophers such as Aristotle arrived at the existence of God via human reason and referred to Him in vague, impersonal terms: the uncaused cause, the immovable mover. The prophets of Israel revealed the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in a warmer and more compassionate manner. But only Jesus revealed to an astonished Jewish community that God is truly Father.” Abba, daddy, papa, my own dear father. It’s the simplest way of addressing God; the most trusting, the most confiding. It is allowing all our own ideas of who He is to be stripped away, so that we are dependant again on Him as our Father. Manning tells a BEAUTIFUL story of a woman called Yolanda that he used to know. She had once been a great beauty, but was now a leper on her death bed. Her husband had divorced her because of the social stigma attached to the disease, and had forbidden her sons from visiting her. So she was wasting away alone, rejected. A few hours before she was about to die, Manning went to visit her. Here is some of what he writes about it...

“I anointed Yolanda with oil and prayed with her. As I turned around to put the top back on the bottle of oil, the room was filled with a brilliant light. It had been raining when I came in; I didn’t even look up, but said, “Thanks, Abba, for the sunshine. I bet that’ll cheer her up.”

As I turned to look back at Yolanda – and if I live to be three hundred years old I’ll never be able to find the words to describe what I saw – her face was like a sunburst over the mountains, like one thousand sunbeams streaming out of her face literally so brilliant I had to shield my eyes.

I said, “Yolanda, you appear to be very happy.”

With her slight Mexican-American accent she said, “Oh Father, I am so happy.”

I then asked her, “Will you tell me why you’re so happy?”

She said, “Yes, the Abba of Jesus told me that He would take me home today.”

I vividly remember the hot tears that began rolling down my cheeks. After a lengthy pause, I asked what the Abba of Jesus said. Yolanda said:

Come now, my love, my lovely one, come.

For you, the winter has passed, the snows are over and gone, the flowers appear in the land, the season of joyful songs has come.

The cooing of the turtledove is heard in our land.

Come now my love, my Yolanda, come.

Let me see your face. And let me hear your voice, for your voice is sweet and your face is beautiful.

Come now, my love, my lovely one, come.

Six hours later her little leprous body was swept up into the furious love of her Abba. Later that same day I learned from the staff that Yolanda was illiterate. She had never read the Bible, or any book for that matter, in her entire life. I surely had never repeated those words to her in any of my visits. I was, as they say, a man undone.

The questions we had to consider were:

1.       Is your personal prayer life characterised by Abba intimacy? If not, why not?

2.       Prayerfully consider taking a few moments every day for the next month, closing your eyes, upturning your palms, and praying, “Abba, I belong to You.” Don’t make it anything more than that; trust me, it’s enough. [He suggests that you pray this as a “breath-prayer” – you pray “Abba” as you breath in, and then “I belong to You” as you breath out...]

We went from that into time with Papa Ken. He was teaching on the Holy Spirit. I’ll give you the highlights:

·         Anything you do that does not come out of a heart of worship is done by the flesh. Be carried by the tides and currents of the Spirit.

·         The Holy Spirit is the Counsellor, Comforter, Teacher, Guide, Friend, Helper, Lover, Power; the Breath, the In-dweller. Jesus said of Him that He would teach us ALL THINGS and remind us of EVERYTHING Jesus said. He can recall things to our memory – but they have to be placed in us first (e.g. digging into the word).

·         The Holy Spirit enables me to live a life I could not lead by myself.

·         Religion says that there is always something that needs to be done. Christianity says that it is already done.

·         We need to learn to co-operate with the Holy Spirit – He is easily grieved and hurt. He will let us have our way, even when it is not His. He is the opposite of self – He comes to lead us into being selfless.

·         When the Holy spirit puts His finger on something in our lives, we often take His finger and point it at the people and circumstances around us... instead of letting Him just deal with whatever He’s highlighted.

·         Jesus (when He spoke about the Holy Spirit to the disciples) said that it was good that He left so that the Spirit would come. The disciples couldn’t understand this – how was Jesus leaving them a good thing?! They didn’t understand that instead of God being with them, He was going to be IN them!

·         A question came up: why do we have to be baptised in the Holy Spirit? Don’t we receive the Spirit when we are saved? Do we only get some of Him then, and more later? Papa Ken put it like this: when we are saved we get the Holy Spirit inside of us, we get all of Him. When we are baptised in the Holy Spirit... He gets all of US! :o)

We went from there to lunch, and from lunch to our collectives. Today Joel spoke about the science of sound, and we started some basic music theory to bring everyone up to speed. The science of sound stuff is crazy cool! I’ve always loved it, and have heard quite a bit about it, but would love to get into more of it. I’m going to have to think about it a bit more before I give ya’ll a summary of it, so I’ll get back to you sometime with a separate post just about that perhaps. It’s SUCH exciting stuff – just realising that God created sound and music, that He’s super excited about it, and that He intended it to do stuff! The prompt we were given today was in the form of a postcard... Molly gave us each a postcard, and we are to take them, spend some time looking at them, ask God to show us stuff we hadn’t noticed before, and then write something in response. Mine is of a waterfall... I’ve got some ideas already, so am looking forward to seeing how it’ll pan out.

As if that wasn’t enough for the day... after supper we went up to Jonathan and Melissa’s beautiful house for the first of 5 sessions with a visitor, Adam Cox. He’s an old friend of theirs, and he’s brought his family along (his South African – whoop whoop – wife Julie and their two beautiful little girls). He’s also brought along a lady called Anna, and a guy called Beau. They’re all from The Boiler Room in Kansas city (you should be able to Google it if you don’t know what it’s about :o) ). He did his introduction tonight. It’s going to be in five parts, like the musical form called a Sonata. A sonata has (or can have) 5 movements:

1.       Introduction (the theme is stated, it is an intro to the piece as a whole)

2.       Exposition (the theme is played with in variations, usually changing keys)

3.       Development (travelling further and further from the home key)

4.       Recapitulation (a re-statement of the theme – this is kind of like circling the runway)

5.       Coda (the ending, returning to the home-key)

What he’s going to do through these 5 instalments is tell the God-story. Basically an overview of the Bible, but getting down to: what was God’s intention, where was He going with the whole story, how do we fit into it, why does it matter, etc... He spoke about how much God enjoys revealing Himself to us. What He has ALWAYS wanted is to be close to us, for us to be in His family. God as the Trinity way before creation began was so at rest, so full of unity and love and joy and goodness that He wanted to create so that it could be shared, out of delight He began to speak the universe into being. It was like an explosion of joy and excitement. Out of darkness He brought light – the story begins with His first word speaking into the void. I might unpack a bit more of what he was saying at a later stage, but I want to get to what happened next...

So at about 10/10:30, we’re all getting sleepy, and looking forward to getting back to our bunk houses and beds... and then Jonathan announces that we need to get up, leave everything where it is, and go outside the house – off on an adventure. We got outside, were put into two lines, blindfolded, and then led off with our hands on the shoulder of the person in front of us. I could figure out that we were heading down the road back towards the farm, but had no idea why or where the end point of our trip was. My heart started POUNDING suddenly, because I began to hear the most beautiful music. It was floating towards us through the trees, getting louder as we got loser, drawing us in. It was like we got to taste a little of what the darkness was before God created anything... but with the knowledge that something was brewing! For those of you who have read the Narnia Chronicles, it felt exactly like The Magician’s Nephew – when they first begin hearing a voice singing in the darkness! We finally got to where we were going (after nearly being run over by a car – I’d LOVE to know what that person thought was going on with all these blind-folded people!), and were lined up shoulder to shoulder, still blind-folded. After what felt like an eternity (but it was so exciting too – beautiful music flowing over us. I couldn’t stop smiling!), Jonathan said something about drinking in this moment, and remembering the field we’ve played frisbee on etc... then we took off the blindfolds, and there in front of us was a gate, the top of which was COVERED in tea-light candles. And just behind the gate was all the staff, all these people we love, just beaming at us and sending out almost tangible waves of love over us! And then there was a gasp from all of us (and a “HOLY CRAP!” from Stephen!) as we realised that the entire field behind them was absolutely LITTERED with luminaries (tea-light candles in white paper bags weighted down with some sand). I’m not exaggerating when I say close to 500 candles! And right at the gate (at the entrance to the field) was a huge, beautiful table covered with more tea-light candles and huge wine-glasses (all different and lovely!) full of grape-juice, and massive loaves of bread. There were also these beautiful glass windows all the way round the table, so it was all sparkly and stunning. We headed through the gate slowly, in awe! And then suddenly we were running full tilt towards the table! We all grabbed huge chunks of bread, and a glass of juice, and headed out into the field to find a spot for ourselves. I have NEVER felt so loved in one moment as I did then. Stars and an ENORMOUS moon blazing above us, candles covering a whole field... and then the fireflies started dancing about too! It was the most breath-taking sight! We stayed out there for aaaaaages – amazing music (like Sigur Ros and other greatness) swirling around us, and this insane spectacle before us. I couldn’t fully take it into begin with. I kept thinking: “This is too much! How could all this have been done for me?!” and then I just gave in to enjoying it whole-heartedly! It was like being on the world’s most romantic date, with Jesus Himself. Whoa. All I’m saying is that my standard for a romantic evening has been DRAMATICALLY raised. I’m not settling for anything less than overwhelmingly, ridiculously awesome. Cause it turns out that that is what Jesus says I’m worth :o) Our friends spent HOURS doing this for us, with so much love and joy... this is what friendship is, WOW. And how much more extravagant is God’s love for us?! Hectic. And we still worry about random stuff? What the heck.

12 June

We visited the church Awake again in Winston-Salem. There was an AMAZING time of worship – the guy who had been practicing at the farm yesterday was leading worship. One of the highlights was a song whose words I can’t actually properly remember... all that I DO remember is that the general gist was... “Pride, hurry up and leave so I can sing/dance/worship the way that I want to.” It said what I often think during worship, so it was great to be able to sing it out! And then act on it :o) Worship was followed by a GREAT sermon! Some highlights:

·         You have more right now in you than you might think you have.

·         The lie that we all struggle with: “Do [insert whatever] and THEN you will [be better/have arrived/be who you want to be etc]”. satan (as Jon Acuff says – small letter “s”, which is the grammatical equivalent of the finger! HA HA) said to Eve, “Eat of this, and then you will be like God.” But she already WAS like God! She didn’t have to DO anything – she was already made in His image. satan always tries to tell us that we’re missing something we need that we don’t yet have; or that there’s still something we need to do. This keeps us from walking in the inheritance that we ALREADY have!

·         The enemy hates a confident daughter or son. He will always try to bring about doubt and uncertainty.

·         We already ARE so much. We already HAVE so much. We do not lack anything. We are fellow citizens of God’s household; we are chosen, royal; we are God’s field and His building; we have been made complete; we are raised in Christ. We are righteous, holy and loved. We have been given eternal life.

After church we went off for lunch at Rosemary’s house – one of our fellow 18Inchers. Her family bravely offered to provide for us all! It was an amazing meal, we were all STUFFED by the end! We sat all over the house and the garden in little groups – and after lunch I taught some people some rounds (like “By the waters, the waters of Babylon” etc – for those who know it!). they sounded AMAZING! Before we left we prayed (and sang, as usual!) over Rosemary and her family (parents and a brother and sister).

When we got back, Hannah, Katharina and I watched The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, yay! It was great to hang out and relax. After the movie, I helped Hannah with a song she was writing. She had the melody and words, but wasn’t sure what chords to use for it. It reminded me of early song-writing days in Grahamstown, ha ha! She was so excited, yay! She said she felt like I knew what was on her heart, and was helping her express it. It’s amazing how much of that God is doing here – setting our hearts in harmony.

After supper we ended the day with Erin (one of the staff) telling her story. She felt like God especially wanted to speak through her story about God’s heart for the restoration of family. There was a time of prayer afterwards, and God was doing lots of stud – probably in almost everyone’s hearts! Family can be so messy, even though it can also be so beautiful. It was interesting, cause even as God was dealing with some hurt in my heart to do with physical family, He was also speaking about spiritual family. And also dealing with some of the deep rejection stuff I feel like I’m always trying to deal with! Right near the end, some of the staff members gathered around me and just “loved on” (isn’t that just such an American phrase?!) me. They just kept telling me how much they love me, how much they appreciate what I add here – the flavour I bring. It was completely overwhelming, but so AMAZINGLY good! I blubbed away for ages! Molly suggested that I go listen to the song “Slow your breath down” by Future of Forestry; so I did! I had listened to the song before, but had never really listened to the words. I was amazed! Lay on my bunk listening to it and crying again... but laughing too :o)

Slow Your Breath Down

by Future of Forestry

This chest is full of memories; of gold and silver tears

I'll give you more to own than all of this...

And I'll give you more than years

For you were once a child of innocence

And I see you just the same

Your burdens couldn't win or lose a thing

Oh, I'd tell you once again

But you're always on the run

Slow your breath down, just take it slow

Find your heart now, oh...

You can trust in love again

Slow your breath down, just take it slow

Find your smile now, oh...

You can trust in love again

If you leave I'll still be close to you

When all your fears rain down

I'll take you back a thousand times again

I'll take you as my own

I will sing you songs of innocence

'Til the light of morning comes

'Til the rays of golden honey cover you

In the sweetness of the dawn

But you’re always on the run

Slow your breath down, just take it slow

Find your heart now, oh...

You can trust in love again

Slow your breath down, just take it slow

Find your smile now, oh...

You can trust in love again

You're not alone

You're now a part of me

You feel the cure

I'll feel the toil it brought you

11 June

Saturday morning tradition is that everyone gathers to do some aerobics before outdoors brunch at 11. Today everyone pulled out all the stops and arrived in some of the most RIDICULOUS but glorious outfits! I wasn’t feeling too great, so I stood by and took pictures... :o)

Nathan, a fellow South African, demonstrating a beer-boep...

Resting afterwards :o)

Look at that belt-buckle! HA HA!

Today the studio was filled with the sounds of amazing music and worship... there was a rehearsal going on for an upcoming recording of a CD. A guy called David is going to be recording an album, and a few people from the farm family are playing with him. So after brunch, we gathered around them all, and prayed for them. Praying on the farm almost always turns into sung prayer over people, which is just sooooo beautiful. I wish I could properly record one of these times of spontaneous singing – it would rock your world! We ended the time by shouting over them, “YES, God is GOOD!” over and over. It was such a beautiful moment. By this stage though, I was feeling really revoltingly sick (fluey), so I went and crashed for most of the rest of the day. Was not very happy. Sore throat, pounding head, that awful foggy feeling. Luckily I had some trusty panado and strepsils, so I downed some of each, and collapsed. Woke up feeling much better, but still rather out of it.

In the evening, after dinner, we met out on the back porch (with candles and fairylights) to have cake and ice-cream for Abigail’s birthday. Of course there was some singing too! It was a beautiful evening after a not-so-great day. But this is what I’m learning – life is full of these rhythms, ups, downs, beautiful, not-so-beautiful. It’s all good. It’s all life. It can all be filled with God :o)

10 June 2011

We had a really simple but beautiful day today. Most of it was spent in the art room working on a new project. Justina was teaching us about creating/using different textures on a 2d plane. After getting us to try out some techniques, we were told to thing of home. Where/when have we felt at home? What represents home to us?  Etc. Then we had to think of a simple way to represent home. We also had to choose only three colours which we were going to use (plus shades and tints of those colours). Justina handed out huge sheets of water-colour paper, and the guided us through step by step (because we have people who have done lots of art, and some who haven’t done any!). We started with marking off borders with tape (for those who wanted to!) and then light washes of colour over the whole page. We left those to dry after lunch. When we came back she stared us off by getting us to scribble wildly on our pages with pencil! This was to help loosen everyone up, and to keep us getting too precious about our work! I found it really helpful, ha ha! We then had to add another wash, but we were only allowed to do it in one section of the page. As we were working, she kept on giving out new instructions – adding blocks of opaque colour to any part of the page; sketching out whatever we had chosen to depict home (we were not allowed to erase any lines we drew... use the mistakes!); sticking on bits of random text from old books... etc. I LOVED it! It reminded me how much I LOVE creating art, and I haven’t really done any since school. Why the heck not?! Gosh. So that’s my plan from here on out. More of that!

The afternoon was for work duties. Our group cleaned the office and kitchen again, and it was good reflection time for me. We also helped with some supper preparations, since we were already in the kitchen. We were also getting ready for the open mic night, which was after supper. And it was INCREDIBLE! The talent and beauty in this place is just ASTOUNDING! From spoken word to wonderful songs to spontaneous dancing to rap... all of it was amazing! I’ll try post some of the (terrible quality) videos I took! It made my heart SO happy! And I also really enjoyed not feeling the pressure to contribute anything myself! It was so good to be with friends and celebrate their amazingness :o)

9 June 2011

After breakfast, we were sent off to have some individual “God time”. The prompt we were given was to ask God, “What do You think about me?” I went wandering off around the lake, looking for a spot I had seen from afar on my first day here, but hadn’t actually explored. Once I got there, I started writing a little story, kinda based on what had just happened. In it, a girl is walking on a dusty, stony road. The sun is a little too hot, and there’s a terrible glare. She can feel the stones under her feet, and she’s not enjoying the walk too much. But she knows there’s a great spot ahead somewhere... although she’s not sure exactly where it is, and she’s also not sure if she’s allowed to be there. Suddenly she realises there’s a presence alongside her. She can’t see him, and she’s still hot and uncomfortable – but it’s enough to know he’s there. The path she’s on veers a little to the left, and after a bit there’s a spot of shade. It’s great, but it’s not The Place. It provides some great momentary respite though. She carries on, and the ground slopes more strongly to the left. It’s an awkward angle to walk at, and she wonders if she’s going the right way. Should it be this steep? What if something happens, and there’s no one there to help? But she knows she must go on. And then, almost before she knows it – like the first thunder-clap of the storm – she arrives in a beautiful, shady spot. There’s a huge tree in the middle, giving amazing shade; and around the edge there’s a semi-circle of trees, offering protection. This is a space for her to breath, for her to feel alive. This is His garden, and she realises it was made for her. Of course she is allowed to be here! It was made FOR her.

Whilst I was writing this story, I felt like God was reminding me that I AM a person of His presence. I know what it means to walk with Him. He was shutting off the voices that say that I have to work harder to find His presence; that I have to do something to prove myself to Him. That is nonsense! His presence is simple – it doesn’t have to be tangible or produce goose-bumps or make me feel anything special. Every time I feel peace – that’s His presence. Every time I feel joy – that’s His presence. These things don’t exist apart from Him! I felt such peace in that place, knowing that “I am my Beloved’s, and His desire is for me.” God was saying that He enjoys just hanging out with me – whatever I’m doing. He wants to sing with me when I sing, work with me when I work, read poetry with me...In fact, at that point, I felt like He wanted to read me a poem right then. So I opened my poetry book, and the first poem I read was exactly some of the stuff that God had just been saying to me! HA HA! I ended up laughing out loud, and then crying for joy, completely overwhelmed by the goodness and furious longing of my Abba! I didn’t really want to leave my little grassy hide-away, but had to head back for our next session – which started with an amazing time of worship. And it turned out that God just wanted to keep lavishing us with His love! Which fitted into what He had just been saying to me too :o)

We had a guest speaker today, Stephen Roach (from the band Songs of Water, for any of you who know of them!). He is such a fun, creative guy, and it’s because he understands the fun, creative side of God so well. And so much of what he said linked in perfectly again with what God was already speaking to me! He spoke mostly about the playfulness of God. When God created the universe, it was playful. It was an overflow of joy, an overflow of the delight of the family of the Trinity. He didn’t HAVE to create; He WANTED to! He delighted to. When David says, “I will become even more undignified than this”, the word translated as “undignified” actually means “to play”. It is childlike laughing and dancing and PLAYING with the Father. The same word is used in Proverbs 8:22-31, where it speaks about the creation of the universe. It could be translated as: “ I was filled with delight day after day, PLAYING in His presence, PLAYING in His whole world...” Zephaniah 3:17 can be translated as: “He will PLAY over you with singing...” This is what our relationship with the Father should be like! It is playful, simple, creative. Because His burden is light, remember? :o) some other highlights:

·         1 Peter 1:13 “Gird the loins of your mind...” Our loins are the place where the power to procreate resides. It is the source of our ability to (literally) create new life. So to gird the loins of our MINDS means to strengthen the house of our imagination, the place our creativity comes from.

·         The bible is like a map that points to God. But having a map doesn’t mean you know the destination – you still actually have to make the trip there! We need to journey into God for ourselves.

·         What does it mean to be a child? Children have two important qualities: they have great playfulness and imagination, and they live in full dependence on their parents. This is who we were made to be.

·         When we hear the phrase “what I am CALLED to”, it can sometimes sound very intimidating; perhaps make us feel trapped. But it’s more like “what I am INVITED to”... God is inviting me to play with Him in my own adventure with Him.

·         The practical is meant to serve the creative; not restrict it, and also not to be completely ignored. It supplies the structure within which creativity can happen. But we must never stop playing! When we stop playing, we start dying.

·         Spontaneity should be the reward of preparation, not the result of disorganization. Disorganization is not creativity! Creativity is intentional.

·         Like children, we learn through playing. A little girl pretending to be a princess is learning that she is special, unique, royal.

·         A dream/vision is conceived in the heart and imagination. It is spoken forth by your lips... and then it is realised through hard work and dedication.

·         God’s timing – so many things won’t happen when WE think they should! Stay overwhelmed by His beauty. Stay overwhelmed in worship of Him. Stay in constant relationship with Him – cultivate that love. Wait on Him.

·         Make sure you have people speaking into you – not just people who know you for your gifts/talents etc.

·         “We are redeemed from aimless conduct.” Make a mission statement for yourself. Journal, write down your history with God. Write down what God HAS already done, don’t just focus on what hasn’t happened yet. Prepare for the long-haul.

·         We are maturing into childlikeness :o) and the boundary lines have fallen in pleasant places (Psalm 16). Be diligent, but don’t strive.

I felt such relief and joy as Stephen was speaking. It was like God was saying again: “It’s GOOD that your relationship with me is simple. It’s GOOD that you know my presence the way you do. Our relationship IS playful, and that’s GOOD!” I think I’ve felt pressure to ‘be responsible’, to ‘be and adult’, to ‘grow up’... but that is not what God wants for me! It felt great to shake off that weight, to be released into childlike simplicity again :o) JOY!

We met with our small groups over lunch, so we could process some of the stuff that’s been happening, and it was really great to hear where everyone’s at, and what God’s doing in everyone. After that we had our second music collective session; and there was so much that God was repeating to me! Ha ha! He really does have to hammer stuff into my thick skull sometimes! Joel was speaking about our creative origins – that we create, that we delight in music because He does. A tree glorifies God most by just being a tree; a bird glorifies God most by just being a bird. We seem to be the only ones who battle with this idea! We glorify God most when we are just ourselves, but we seem convinced that there must be something we must do first! There is no slavery or fear in Him. “Perhaps the thing we are most afraid of is to live without fear.” Eeek! Shame is a big quencher of creativity, because to be creative is to be vulnerable – and we have such fear of being exposed. He also read to us a synopsis of the story of “Babette’s Feast” (if you have never watched this movie, you MUST). There’s a feast laid out before these people, but they have decided amongst themselves not to say anything in praise of the meal. They are silent as they taste the magnificent courses laid before them. I suddenly realised that I have become a bit like that – it’s part of this “I-must-be-grown-up-and-serious” thing I’ve picked up from somewhere... I’m sitting at the Father’s feast, tasting His delights – but I have become silent. I have stopped calling out in wonder as I enjoy the feast. Or perhaps it’s like I’ve been eating from only one dish on the table – and I’ve grown sick of it. But there’s SO much more there, so much more. Playing with the Father, exclaiming in delight as I taste the new things He has for me.

We ended a fantastic day with a cook out. We sat on the field, some people playing ultimate frisbee, a few of us with instruments on picnic blankets... fireflies flitting around. There is so much peace and beauty here :o)

8 June 2011

We started off the day with an amazing time of worship. Melissa felt like there was maybe some stuff that people needed to hand over to God, especially some fears. Jonathan was saying that in order to give something away, you first have to own it. For example, I can’t give a car to someone, unless I own that car first, and it’s mine to give away. Sometimes we have to own our fears – we have to recognise them and name them – before we can hand them over to God. A few people began doing that, and after they would tell God their fear, we would gather around them and pray for them and sing over them. I had a weird moment where I felt pressure to find some deep fear to bring out into the open, ha ha! Maybe it’s a fear of being left out :oP But I felt God reassuring me about that – it’s ok to NOT dig deep sometimes. Sometimes we just have to let Him do stuff in His own time; we don’t have to force it to happen. I’s ok to not be dealing with some or other deep issue all the time. I think I had forgotten that...

Worship went on longer than planned, so our time with Papa Ken was cut short. But it was still great. Here are some highlights:

·         If you love anything enough, it will give up its secrets. For example, if you seriously love playing the piano, enough to work diligently at it, one day it will give up its secrets, and you will play better than you ever thought you could.

·         We don’t have to beg and plead with God to show us His will. Especially when it comes to your “life-direction” or your “destiny” etc. We just need to allow Him to let the desires and longings that He’s already placed in our hearts come alive. He told us this great story of an old friend of his, a woman who had walked many years with Jesus. One day (she was in her seventies, I think) she was trying to prepare a sermon on moving with the Holy Spirit, but she REALLY wanted to watch the Winter Olympics on TV, because she really loved watching the ice skating especially. Eventually she pushed her bible and notes aside, and watched some of it – but she felt terribly guilty the whole time! Afterwards, she tried to repent. But she felt like God was saying to her that it really was ok! He had put the desire in her heart to watch that – in fact, He had wanted to watch it with her! He began to speak to her about how moving with the Holy Spirit was like ice-skating. You make a small motion, and (on good ice, with sharp skates) you can glide beautifully. Sometimes the things that pop into our heads during quiet times aren’t actually distractions – sometimes it’s God speaking. When last did you watch TV with God?! Ha ha! :o)

·         DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY!

·         In Acts 26 when Paul is telling Agrippa about what it means to follow Jesus, he says to him: “I pray God that not only you but all who are listening to me today may become what I am, except for these chains.” Are you able to say to someone else, “I wish that you could have the life I have” and truly mean it? If not, chances are you’re not really happy and not really living the fullness of life as God meant you to. WHOA.

After lunch we headed to the Art Room where we worked on a “history book” project. Jessie showed us one of her pieces of art that was a memory of a complete day. The page was filled with random objects/pictures/words from that day, and she talked us through it, telling us why each object was there, and explaining what she had done that day. The point is that God values every single day of our lives; every moment, every breath we take. We need to value our lives too! Doing something like this takes what we would think of as an ordinary, mundane day, and makes it special because we’ve decided that it’s valuable enough to remember. So we had to remember the day we went to the museum, and first of all jot down everything that came to mind when we thought of that day. Then we had to think of objects/pictures etc that could represent each of those things. And then we had to fill a page up with those objects. Next we had to add colours, but we were limited to only three (with their shades and tints) to help tie it all together. Turned out to be lots of fun, and it’s definitely worth trying!

After what has been a crazy week, we ended today with pizza and a movie (Les Miserables – so beautiful, one of my bests, but not exactly light viewing!) at David and MK Burbach’s house, whilst the staff had a dinner at Jonathan and Melissa’s house (for some input and just to catch up). It was really great just doing something low-key like that! One of the values at the farm is realising that God isn’t all about just heavy stuff all the time. He’s a God of rhythms and seasons, and real life can be deep one minute, and light and fun the next. It’s still all God. A few of us ended off a great day with a late night jam session in the studio (which is a GREAT place to hang out!). Looking forward to all that is still to come!

7 June 2011

After breakfast this morning, we went to the worship room to read the next chapter of “The Furious Longing of God” together. It’s called “Fury”, and in it Manning describes what he means by God’s longing for us being “furious”. He doesn’t mean it in the sense of ‘extremely angry’, but rather in the way that a storm can be furious -  “the enormous vitality and strength of the God of Jesus seeking union with us.” Manning goes on to say, “employing adjectives such as furious, passionate, vehement and aching to describe the longing of God are my mumbling and fumbling to express the Inexpressible. Yet, I plod on... Now we see only reflections in a mirror, mere riddles... But someday, the adjectives will give way to the reality.” He talks about how we cannot earn this furious love of God. We don’t receive it once we’ve become like Mother Theresa. This love is for all of who we are, as we are right now. “So much of what was presented to me as real in bygone days, I now see as fictitious. The splenetic god of alternating moods, the prejudiced god partial to Catholics, the irritated god disgusted with believers, the warrior god of the “just” war, the fickle god of casuistic morality, tut-tutting our little weaknesses, the pedantic god of the spiritually sophisticated, the myriad of gods who imprisoned me in the house of fear; I could go on. Von Balthasar’s credo rings true to me: ‘Love alone is credible.’” The questions we had to answer today were:

1.       There is the “you” that people see and there is the “rest of you”. Take some time and craft a picture of the “rest of you”. This could be a drawing, in words, even a song. Just remember that the chances are good it will be full of paradox and contradictions.

2.       I listed some fictitious gods presented to me in the past. Come up with at least one more, from your history, to help round out the list.

After about an hour journaling through that, we met back again in the worship room with ‘Papa Ken’ (Jonathan’s dad). He spoke to us a bit about his walk with the Lord so far, and it was a really beautiful, sweet time. Some of my highlights:

·         The key to discipline is desire. Practicing is not a hardship because the end result is the ability to flow – this is as true of practicing an instrument as it is of practicing the spiritual disciplines.

·         Do you know how to live? How to really live? How to enjoy every moment? We need to unlearn in order to learn. Don’t assume that you understand. Sometimes we need to learn heaven’s definition of certain words and ideas. We need to learn heaven’s vocabulary, heaven’s dictionary.

He told us a bit of what he had done in his quiet time this morning, which included praying for each of us by name. He has all our names and photos and is interceding for us, and getting to know who we are. I am undone by the huge privilege of this1 he then proceeded to speak out what he had heard the Lord say for us individually during his quiet time! This is what the Lord said to him for me:

Ella:  Laughter in her soul O God.  Yes, a cheerful heart does good like a medicine.  Uh oh, here comes God’s vitamin chest being opened.  Vitamin B 12!

Vitamin B12, vitamin B12 or vitamin B-12, also called cobalamin, is a water soluble vitamin with a key role in the normal functioning of the brain and nervous system, and for the formation of blood. It is one of the eight B vitamins. It is normally involved in the metabolism of every cell of the human body, especially affecting DNA synthesis and regulation, but also fatty acid synthesis and energy production

Oh, Ella, what stands out to me is God wants you to be a Holy Thinker.  YEA GOD.  As you energize Ella with your own Vitamin B, reveal the mystery to her that You can think Your own thoughts through her mind!  YEA GOD, may the very mind of Christ be in Ella:

“For who has known the mind of the Lord that he may instruct him?” But we have the mind of Christ.” I Corinthians 2:16

Ella, what a joy to me you are.  Bless you and your time here that you receive more than you could ever imagine!  May God sneak up on you and fill each day with surprises!  DO IT LORD!  Love you, Ken

He spoke over half of us today, and the other half will get a turn tomorrow. AMAZING! God is so good. He said he could tell us all about how to hear God, how to make ourselves a vessel for Him to use – but he’d rather show us :o)

After lunch we were split up into our work duty teams. I’m in the group that has the privilege of cleaning the kitchen, dining room and office. And it really is a privilege. We get to make this place home, and everyone who lives in a home and truly loves it, has to take part in looking after it. So many people have come before us and poured love and energy and prayer into this place, that it is an absolute honour to get to do a little of the same, and help take care of what God has blesses us with. Jonathan says many of his amazing songs have been written whilst doing some of the most mundane chores on the farm! That is where Jesus delights to meet with us – in the simplest of ways. This is what it’s all about! Real life. After we’d finished, we had some free time, and I helped my friend Katharina write a beautiful song. She had all the fantastic ideas for lyrics, but wasn’t so sure about how to put it to music, so I helped her with that!

And then after supper it was time for another story telling session. Tonight was David and MK’s turn (our small group leaders, yay!). they told us a little bit about their individual stories, and then their INCREDIBLE story of God bringing them together. There is just so much beauty in it, because God’s hand is so evidently in it! Afterwards, Jonathan and Melissa said a few words honouring both of them, but David especially, for huge amounts of behind-the-scenes work he does. It was such a sweet time! They spoke of him being an armour bearer, who doesn’t often get seen, but without whom no battles would be won. They gave him a surprise gift, and there was HUGE amounts of cheering and celebrating with them :o) what an incredible family this is! I cannot begin to describe how honoured I feel to be a part of it.

6 June 2011

This is going to be loooong. It has been quite the day! After breakfast today we met to begin reading Brennan Manning’s “The Furious Longing of God” together. The first chapter speaks about song of Solomon 7:10 – “I am my Beloved’s, and His desire is for me.” He says when we fully understand that, and take those words personally:

·         The drumbeats of doom in your head will be replaces by a song in your heart, which could lead to a twinkle in your eye.

·         You will not be dependent on the company of others to ease your loneliness, for He is Emmanuel, God with us.

·         The praise of others will not send your spirits soaring, nor will their criticism plunge you into the pit. Their rejection may make you sick, but it will not be sickness unto death.

·         In a significant interior development, you will move from I should pray to I must pray.

·         You will live with an awareness that the Father not only loves you, but likes you.

·         You will stop comparing yourself with others. In the same way, you will not trumpet your own importance, boast about your victories in the vineyard, or feel superior to anyone.

·         You will read Zephaniah 3:17-18 and see God dancing for joy because of you.

·         Off and on throughout the day, you will just know that you are being seen by Jesus with a gaze of infinite tenderness.

Can I just say: WHOA.

We were sent off to journal for an hour, answering 2 questions (no right or wrong answers, just writing down whatever came):

1.       When you read that phrase – the furious longing of God – what emotions or images does it evoke?

2.       “...I should pray to I must pray.” How would you describe the difference between the two?

After that we headed up to Jonathan and Melissa’s house (up the hill in the woods); where Melissa made herself vulnerable and told us her story. It’s just so overwhelming and humbling to be invited into somebody’s house, and have them tell you their honest stories of difficulties, darkness and victories... just the REALNESS of it. It would be so easy for these guys to teach us some easy lessons, and then go off home, and not really let us see all of them. But here they are, opening their lives to us. It makes it so clear that the worship that pours out of these guys is real. It has been contended for every step of the way. They have lived these songs. They are able to sing “You’re never giving up on me” because they’ve lived through times when it looked like God HAD given up on them; and they were honest enough to admit that, but still believe that He hadn’t given up. It’s all about taking God at His word, even though the circumstances seem to say otherwise. But it’s also about being honest about what you’re really feeling in those times; not just painting a pretty picture all over it.

“God, this really sucks. It’s a crappy season. I feel like you’ve left me. I know all the scriptures that say that You haven’t, but it doesn’t really change the way I feel. BUT You ARE faithful, and You ARE true. And You ARE here, and You WILL rescue me.” This is what I wrote (kind of in response to what Melissa was saying)in my journal this evening:

It’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to not make immediate sense of the season you’re in. It’s ok to not have all the answers. It’s ok to not automatically search for the redemptive side of some of the RUBBISH you’ve gone through. It’s ok to be sore and confused and questioning. God values my heart. He values what I have to say and what I feel. He can cope with all of it. I am not letting Him down by feeling sore/confused/angry/disappointed etc. He can deal with my questions. He WANTS to hear my questions. He wants to show me His love. His desire is for me. He wants me to LIVE – to be real; to be myself. Even if that means being a wreck right now. I don’t have to edit myself to please Him. He already loves me; He already approves of me. Nothing can change that.

Another thing that really stood out from what Melissa said is that we REALLY have to learn to love the Jesus that is inside of us. Inside of me. For now, this is the closest to heaven I’m going to get. Right here inside of me. And if I love people as I love myself, how am I doing at loving myself? If I never ever lead worship again, how do I feel about myself? When I’m going to sleep at night, and no one else is around, how do I feel about myself? She got us to speak out stuff we love about ourselves to God. Go on, try it, I dare you! It’s tough, but sooooo good. “God, I love the way that I love people. I love that I enjoy cooking for people, and washing up after them. I love that I enjoy crazy types of music, and that I can make music myself...” etc. Double dare you! Try it NOW :o)

After lunch we met with our collectives (music/photography/book-making/creative writing). I’m in the music collective, YAY! Molly Skaggs and Joel Case are our fearless leaders (although it was just Molly today – Joel and a few of the guys have been away leading worship at a conference). Molly spoke a bit about what we’re going to be doing in the weeks to come, and then asked us why we chose the music collective. It’s going to be a really interesting time, cause we’re an amazing mix. Some of us have been doing music stuff for a while, and are feeling a bit jaded/tired. I said I feel like I’ve hit a bit of a wall. I feel like there’s more inside myself I could tap into, but I’m not sure how. I don’t know where to from here. Others have only just begun their music journey, and are excited about learning lots of new stuff. So it’s going to be AMAZING seeing how it all works out! Molly then played the opening them from the movie “To Kill a Mockingbird”, and we all wrote responses to the music. Most of us saw pictures in response, and it was crazy how they had similar themes even though they were different! The power of music :o) Looking forward to seeing what happens next in this collective!

After supper we broke up into our small groups (which were based on the tables we sat at on our first night welcoming dinner). Our group’s leaders are JD and the lovely MK and David Burbach. Our group went out to MK and David’s house (about 10 mins away), and we spent the evening telling each other the story of our lives. It’s such a privilege having people you’ve only just begun to build with opening up, telling their stories, sharing their hearts, letting them see yours. I’ve never felt such fierce love from people too1 I can honestly say that I know that these people are fighting with me for my heart, for what God wants to do in me here. How EXCITING!

It just keeps getting better and better :o)

5 June 2011

After breakfast, we headed off to a church called Awake in Winston-Salem (about 40 mins away). It’s a really lovely little congregation that meets in the gymnasium of a school. We had a really wonderful time of worship. And then a sermon on fear... or rather, on not letting fear hinder and cripple us. I really enjoyed that, because it reminded me of the few crazy whirlwind weeks leading up to coming to NC... I don’t think I’ve ever experienced such mad attacks of fear and insecurity; so intensely, in such a small period of time. Every possible fear that could attack went for it: What if I get lost on my way there? What if no one likes me once I’m there? What if it’s nothing like I think it’ll be? What if this is a stupid decision I’m making, taking this time out? Just voice after voice after voice. Deep down I knew they were lies though, because I knew it was right that I come here; but it’s tough to stand up to that rubbish sometimes! And it’s those fears that try to keep us back from what we’re supposed to be doing. Fear cripples us and tries to silence us. But God’s love for us is waaaay stronger and truer than those fears! We need to allow His love for us to crush every fear. Imagine if I had given in to one of those fears, and not come?! I don’t even want to imagine that!

We came home for lunch. Every meal here is just so beautiful, because we’re eating with family. Every meal is a chance to connect, a chance to hear someone’s story, find out about their life, share in their journey. And (I’m learning) to allow them to share mine. This ‘being vulnerable’ thing is still new for me, and I’ve learnt even MORE about it in the last few days! After lunch I hung out in the music room with a guy called Cameron who is CRAZY talented! He plays amazing stuff on the guitar, and at the same time he’s got a tambourine going (with one foot) and a kick drum (with the other) AND a harmonica on a holder round his neck. He’s like the one-man-band guy from Mary Poppins! A girl called Jordan joined us to (on the piano) and we had a great time hearing music from each other, joining in, coming up with some cool stuff. It’s such an incredible thing connecting with all these amazing people who just have so much of a similar heart. I’ve never experienced anything quite like this! This is what it means to be in community; to pursue God (and the passions He has given us) together. After supper I joined another group of musicians playing their stuff. Just RIDICULOUS talent and beauty everywhere you look! Heard a song that’s still stuck in my head, called “Goliath”. It’s about David facing up to Goliath, and defeating him because God’s reality was bigger than the reality of Goliath’s size. I’m going to try get a rough recording of it so that I can play it to everyone when I get back! It’s been in my head all day!

4 June 2011

We got to sleep in after our late night (whoohoo!) and had a brunch at 11. This was outside, under beautiful trees :o) Before we started we had to do a “dance warm-up”! apparently this is a Saturday morning tradition; and prizes will be given out for those who put effort into dressing up for these... short shorts, sweat bands etc. Looking forward to seeing how people look next week, ha ha! American breakfasts can be weird... we had whole-wheat “pancakes” (which are more like crumpets), hash browns (which are just potatoes cut up and fried), sausage (which looks more like burger patties!), frozen fruit (SO GOOD!) and huge dollops of syrup over everything. Oh, and fried eggs for anyone who wanted those. And LOTS of coffee. This farm believes in coffee! But it’s the good stuff. Ken Helser (Jonathan’s dad) was back today, so we got to meet him. It’s amazing that we’re living out the dream that he had over 40 years ago, when he first saw this property, and began dreaming about what it could become.

After some free time, we all traipsed up to the art room (which is upstairs in the building called The Barn). It’s lovely, looking forward to spending some quality time in there (and will take some pictures of it soon)! We did a kind of intro to art together, just so that everyone, whether they’ve done art before or never, is on the same page. Justina spoke to us about line and colour, and got us to do some exercises with blind contour drawings (which is when you look at an object, tracing the outlines of it with your eyes, whilst your hand is drawing where your eyes are going. So you’re not supposed to be looking at the page – just at the object), shading and mixing colours. Then  we had to head out and find something to draw (still in blind contour), and then bring it back to add some colour to it (we were limited to only two, but with shades and tints of those colours too). We can use the art room whenever we’d like to, and there’s some amazing equipment out there for us. Yay!

So it’s free time now... some people are sleeping, others are reading or swimming. My favourite is the little groups of musicians everywhere, making sweeeeet music together! There are some RIDICULOUSLY talented musicians here, with banjos and ukuleles and accordions and harmonicas and guitars and and, and there’s just SO much great music floating around. In fact, I’m about to get my violin out and go join in :o) Supper is going to be a “cook-out” down next to the lake. My favourite (mini) conversation of the day?

Ken Helser: Hey, has anybody told you today?

Me: Erm...

Ken: Has anybody told you?

Me: (now feeling a little nervous/confused) UMMM... told me what?

Ken: I love you...? (insert fatherly smile and pats on shoulder)

LOVE this place :o)

3 June (sorry for the boring titles... ha ha!)

We started the day with our usual breakfast, but we were told to make sandwiches for ourselves to take with us for lunch... because we were off on an adventure! The health inspector arrived to do her annual check, so our leaving the farm was delayed – but we ended up spending 40 minutes worshipping together in the worship room whilst she did her rounds. After worship, Melissa read to us an extract. It spoke about C.S Lewis who told the story of a mother and her child who lived in a dungeon. The child had never seen the outside world, so his mother drew pictures in charcoal on pieces of paper, trying to describe to him what the world outside the dungeon looked like. But she realised as much as she tried to describe that world, her son always thought that that world was merely sketchy lines on paper. He did not value the outside world at all because the world inside the dungeon (the world he knew) was so much more real. He could have allowed those pictures to speak to him about the greater reality of the world outside the dungeon. We need to learn to SEE. To open up our eyes and really take things in.

So our surprise outing was to... The Museum of Art, Raleigh. By the time we got there, it was lunch time, so we sat in the beautiful shade of some trees outside, and ate together. And then we set off into the museum. Justina (a staff member who has studied art) encouraged us to take our time through the museum, really looking at each work, finding ones that spoke to us. Asking God to open our eyes to see. Then we met back again, and were given an assignment to do in our “history books”. We needed to go and choose one work of art that had really stood out, and spend an hour looking at it, and writing about it. We could write anything that came to mind – or choose to place ourselves in the painting and make up a story about it, or choose to tell the story (or imagine we were living the life) of a character in that painting/work. When we met back together again, some people shared what they had written, and they were SO great! One girl (Reba) had chosen to be the sunlight in one picture; another guy (Josh) wrote about being the actual painting itself, and spoke of his creation. It was such a beautiful thing, hearing about everyone’s experiences! I had spent the time looking at a sculpture by Alexander Archipenko, called Blue Dancer. I wrote about what it must feel like for her to dance the way she does – feeling at once weighted down, on the solid earth; and also weightless, soaring through the air. It was almost like she was speaking to me of the joy she felt in dancing! Ha ha!

After the museum, we headed off to a church called “Catch the Fire”, who were having an all-night worship evening. Jonathan, Melissa and the band were leading a few hours’ slot of that time, so we were there to support our family up on stage :o) And worship like crazy things! There was a really great time of praying for the sick too, and God was doing some amazing miracles! Yay! The bus ride home afterwards felt long cause we were all so tired after our adventuring day, but it was fun too... lots of singing and joking etc, as tends to happen on such trips :o)

A sample from the museum of art - made entirely out of old cans and bottle tops etc!

HAPPY HEART!